I'm afraid - A poem about internalized homophobia

CW: Mention of sexual assault, homophobia, objectification

I'm afraid that you will laugh at my wedding. That behind your tolerant eyes, you will be grinning inside at the sight of two brides, that it all will feel like a joke to you. Like a hilarous parody of a real wedding, like an exotic play that you decided to attend for your personal score of diversity points. That you will need to concentrate to not burst out in laughter when you see me and my girlfriend walk down the aisle.

I'm afraid that you will get annoyed even before that when I get engaged. That you will say What is that for?, Why would you want to do that? when I dare to show you my excitement. That you won't care like you would if I had just found a man instead. I'm afraid that our PDA is too much for you, that it would hurt your eyes and make your gut twist in the wrong way. That you think that our love is gross, but that you will be too worried about it threatening your liberal image to ever wanna say it out loud.

I'm afraid that you will not care about our wedding because you as a queer person find the institution of marriage oppressive and patriarchal.

I'm afraid that we'll be the only ones truly happy about our marriage.

I'm afraid that I will be so afraid about how other people view my relationship and our dreams that I can't actually enjoy them.

I'm afraid that someone I love will, once again, look at us disgusted when I look at my girlfriend with shining eyes. That I will again experience someone tell me to act like we're friends, to tone it down for the day, to not let that thing take up space, so we can just focus on having a good time together.

I'm afraid to to take your hand when we walk home at night. I'm afraid of young men in crowds passing us, holding my breath to see if this will be one of those times.

I'm afraid that you will shout at us.

I'm afraid that my girlfriend does not fear men enough, that one day her sympathy towards strangers, her trust in others, will end up in something real bad. I'm afraid that I make my girlfriend more afraid than she needs to be. I'm afraid that I'm making it all up.

I'm afraid that you think that I'm overreacting. I'm afraid that I actually am.

I'm afraid that you don't believe me when I say that I'm a lesbian. I'm afraid that the young man, I kissed when I was 17, who sexually assaulted me, when I didn't want to have sex with him, erases my right to be a lesbian.

I'm afraid that you think that it was the assault that made me a lesbian.

I'm afraid that you will think that the assault was my fault, because you believe that a man deserves sex in a relationship.

I'm afraid that you will think it is weird that I haven't gotten over this yet. That the trauma still holds on to my body. That certain movements, certain images, certain sensory cues, will make it all come back, have me sob uncontrollably.

I'm afraid that it will never get easier than this.

I'm afraid that my female friends think that I'm moving a move on them if I dance with them to a party. That they think it is weird to hold my hand, to receive compliments from me.

I'm afraid that that my female friends think they should keep a distance from me. That my affection for them will make them worry that my girlfriend will think I'm cheating on her.

I'm afraid that I was the one who was hysterical when I lost three friends to homophobia. I'm afraid that it was all my fault, and that I could have kept them, if I just didn't overthink it that much.

I'm afraid that this time it will be too much. That you believe that homosexuals should have a right to exist, but they don't know to "show it off".

I'm afraid that I made you feel weird when we did the famous pronoun dance. When I mentioned my partner, and you asked what he is doing for a living, how I met him, and I awkwardly come out to you. I'm afraid that I corrected you in the wrong way. I'm afraid that I should have been more laid-back about it, more cool, more assertive, less apologetic.

I'm afraid that my intense jealousy of man/woman couples make me as bad as the homophobia I experience.

I'm afraid that I will always feel that man/woman couples are superior, more beautiful, more symmetric, that we could ever be.

I'm afraid that people in the train thinks I'm homophobic when I call everything gay.

I'm afraid that the cool queers in the train will not realize that I'm one of them when I forget to wear my Pride badge.

I'm afraid that other lesbians will think it is cringe of me if I want to talk to them or potentially be friends just because they are lesbians, too.

I'm afraid that other lesbians are better at dealing with being lesbians than me. I'm afraid that other queers are better at dealing with being queer than me.

I feel afraid that you will judge me for still having internalized homophobia when I have been out since 2018.

I'm afraid that I should be better at this.

I'm afraid that you think it it uncool that I like labels, that they for me create a safety, a community, a key to understand myself. I'm afraid that you think that me insisting on being a lesbian instead of just a human is a part of the problem.

I'm afraid that you think my obsession with lesbian subculture, of my use of lesbian terminology, is the opposite of progressive. "I get that you are gay, but why make such a fuss about it?"

I'm afraid that my obsession with queer statistics is too much, that is it a sign of icky insecurity to need to validate your existence by reminding yourself that they are other couples like you by looking at numbers.

I'm afraid that my excitement when I see other sapphic couples is cringy and a sign of me reducing others to their orientation only.

I'm afraid that you think that I'm faking it for attention when I say that I feel bad, guilty, dirty about being a lesbian. I'm afraid that you will say But it's 2023, is it that hard?  when I tell you how I feel.

I'm afraid that you will judge me for being too sensitive for not wanting to live in Aarhus because of the many instances of homophobia I've experienced there.

I'm afraid that you think that I'm a lesbian for political reasons.

I'm afraid that you dismiss the political implications of a lesbian life.

I'm afraid that you won't take the harrasment we have experienced from strangers seriously.

I'm afraid that you won't take the discrimination we have experienced from the ones I love seriously. because it is too umcomfortable for you to face that it's happening. When you realize you could also be the one hurting me.

I'm afraid that you like me despite of who I am.

I'm afraid that you think that I'm too emotional when your mention of your casually homophobic parent makes me sad, when it was just a fun story to you.

I'm afraid that you don't think it is impossible for a woman to not be attracted to men. That you could never accept the restrictions of a lesbian's dating pool, like you would do with a straight man.

I'm afraid that you think that I'm lying about being a lesbian if I like a man's aesthetic, hair, clothing.

I'm afraid that you think it is inherently man hating for me to not be attracted to men.

I'm afraid that you think that I judge your attraction to men, that I don't respect you, when I feel repulsed by sex with men, when I mention that I often skip over the overwhelming many man/woman sex scenes in every movie, TV series, reality show.

I'm afraid that you assume I'm biphobic when I say I'm not attracted to men.

I'm afraid that if I just pulled myself together, if I just tried enough, I could turn myself straight/bi and be with a man.

I'm afraid that you think that being a lesbian is a choice. I'm afraid that my internalized homophobia will confirm for you that sexual and romantic orientation are a choice.

I'm afraid that you will laugh at me when you realize that I have not seen a man naked. I'm afraid it will make me always be a child in your eyes.

I'm afraid that I make you umcomfortable when your church wedding makes me think about the marriage rituals I don't have access to. That despite of the legalization of same-gender marriage, the mention of having a "husband" or a "wife" are still reserved for man/woman couples in Danish churches.

I'm afraid that my attention to your privilege ruins "the good vibes".

I'm afraid that you won't take me seriously as a "real" woman because of my lack of attraction to men.

I'm afraid that you see my attraction to women as predatory.

I'm afraid that you think I'm transphobic because of the conservatives using lesbians as an excuse for their hate.

I'm afraid that the transphobia will get worse.

I'm afraid that once again, a doctor, a therapist, a health care professional will assume that my mental health problems are related to me being a lesbian.

I'm afraid that my intrusive thoughts, that are actually caused by my internalized homophobia, will never go away.

I'm afraid that you think it's cool for women to have sex, but that you don't think it is possible for women to romantically love each other, like a man and a woman can.

I'm afraid that you reduce lesbians to sex, that you think of queer people as inherently more sexual than others. That you think about pornography when you look at us, look at us as a fetish, when I have even never watched porn myself.

I'm afraid that, even if you fetish us, you don't view lesbian sex as "real sex".

I'm afraid that these thoughts will never stop spiraling.

I'm afraid that I'll always be afraid.

Picture of me and my girlfriend for our prom-themed birthday last year <3