Louise Ladegaard
- Nov 9, 2023
- 4 min read

The journey towards that golden Amber-feeling | Our Norway trip

Hello blog!

My girlfriend Maya Johanne and I have just arrived in Norway. We have rented a small house - maybe more like a cabin - in the Norwegian mountains to hibernate. Get away from everyday life and focus on contemplation.

We will be here for a whole month, and it will be so nice to have the time to experience a completely different place and hopefully a completely different pace from what we are used to. While we're here, we each have our own projects we want to immerse ourselves in. Me in my applications to universities in the US. And Maya both PhD applications and thesis.

We've only been in the house for an hour. And it's already crazy how quiet it is. The loudest sounds you can hear are the clock ticking and the refrigerator breathing. And outside the house we can see beautiful, strong trees. The fjord. Mountains. And little houses as cute as ours.

On the bus ride up here, I found myself wondering what things are truly meaningful to me. It started with me thinking about one of the first crushes I had on another woman. Her deep blue eyes. Her artistic mind. How I felt an urge to take care of her, to live together and support each other in our ambitions, in our everyday lives, in our dreams. That feeling of an amber light. A happy, tender feeling in my chest. A touching sensation reminiscent of light purple flowers, close to true happiness, true peace. What I now recognize as the feeling of being deeply in love with another woman, which I have been lucky enough to experience several times.

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It's one of the things that makes being a lesbian so important. Because my infatuation with other women lets me connect to one of the deepest layers of myself, one of the most beautiful feelings and one of the deepest things I have. Namely, the amber-golden feeling in my chest.

Sometimes that feeling can be drowned out by my geeking out over queer terminology and outrage at society. How compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia have taken root in me and bruise me time and time again. Sore muscles that need to be punched if I receive even one hurtful comment or strange look. I love my nerdiness and my anger at the society we live in that follows me like an internal, flaring engine.

But in the midst of all the hard stuff, I don't want to lose sight of amber emotion. For all the small, vulnerable and touching things that connect me to being a lesbian. To my romantic love, my care and tenderness towards other women. I want to dare to be soft and feel. Even in a world as violent and unfair as ours, which can make you (read: me) puff up and make shields and quick gestures in an often failed attempt to maintain control and keep fear at bay.

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Feeling my inner glowing amber feeling made me think about the other things, besides falling in love, that produce that feeling in me. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, and as a result, I often try to hold on to a sense of control (or maybe it's the other way around?). And sometimes I think I can lose track of what I do because it genuinely matters to me - and on the other hand, what I do because it gives me a sense of "doing the right thing". Often, when I have to make a decision, I end up seeing myself from the outside as a 3rd person and decide my actions based on what would look best summarized as the headline on a LinkedIn profile. Rather than being guided by what it would be like for me to live my life and whether my actions are meaningful. I think it's a totally normal feeling to have, and it's very easy to get caught up in the idea of other people's eyes on you - that's why it makes me so grateful and touched when I occasionally let go of the anxiety and let my true gut feelings take over and use them as my compass.

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"What I really want is to have a wife, friends and to be an artist. The rest is just noise/distractions to numb your anxiety." That's pretty much what I thought as I sat on the bus between the mountains. Thinking about my relationship with Maya (and an upcoming marriage, uuh, hihi). About friends. Writing artistic texts. That's when I feel connected to the amber feeling inside. And when I think about other ambitions, it doesn't feel quite as heartfelt, but that's where my sense of wanting to puff myself up, to be a shield against anxiety and to achieve control and status comes from.

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Of course, it's not so simple that I can just choose to do only the things that appeal and enrich me the most. We live in a deeply capitalist society, where it's a huge privilege to be able to choose what you spend your time and energy on. And like most people, I depend on a steady income to put food on the table - and am largely driven by the desire and security of a full-time job or full-time education. With that in mind, I try to make the choices I can make that bring me closest to the things that are meaningful to me and to others (rather than just serving capitalism) and that give me that glowing amber feeling <3

I am so happy and grateful that I have the opportunity to take a month out of my calendar to immerse myself in working towards my dreams and spending time with my beloved girlfriend <3

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Thank you for reading. Now I want to go back to this magical place among the Norwegian mountains and enjoy the cup of tea that Maya Johanne has made for me. Enjoy the pictures from beautiful Norway <3

Take care of yourselves out there ❤

Love,

Louise Anna